Compassion is when you recognize that people suffer, and you meet their suffering with comfort, kindness, and a genuine concern for their well being.
Compassion is essential for healing, according to Philadelphia-based psychologist Jessica Russo.
“I think compassion is critical, actually,” Russo said. “To be able to have compassion is to see the humanity of even those who you feel have hurt you.”
We typically think of compassion as something we give to another. But Russo says that people who can acknowledge their own hurt and forgive their own flaws are better equipped to do the same for others.
However, if you’re full of shame and unrelenting self-criticism, you have little if any compassion to share.
“If you don’t have compassion for yourself, you really don’t have compassion for other people,” Russo said. “People will say that they do—they’re just really hard on themselves. But if you look more closely, you see that they go together.”
Messages From the Body
To find compassion for yourself, you first have to figure out why you’re withholding it. If the details aren’t clear, or you’re too afraid to face them, Russo recommends looking to your body for answers.
“There’s an idea that our bodies are really our unconscious minds,” she said. “In our conscious minds, we create so many defenses. But if we can access the unconscious, where there are no defenses, as long as our bodies feel safe, they will tell us what’s going on.”
Tuning into the sensations of your body can start the process. Are you clenching your jaw or experiencing a knot in your stomach? These may be places to explore.
“Just by being curious, asking questions, and being the objective observer, you can find out more about what’s going on with you,” Russo said.
Bilateral Stimulation
To help people delve deeper into the unconscious messages mined from the body, Russo calls on a number of therapies based on bilateral stimulation.
Bilateral stimulation is an activity that stimulates both sides of the body in a rhythmic, alternating fashion. One of the best known bilateral stimulation techniques is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing), which is used to treat a number of mental health issues, particularly trauma.
But you can also create bilateral stimulation just by taking a walk. The effects may be felt immediately.
“People will often say, ‘You know, I took a walk and I just felt so much better.’ Well, that’s not just psychological,” Russo said. “There’s something about this back and forth movement—left, right, right, left—that can help unloosen whatever is stuck in the brain. We don’t know exactly why that happens, but we know that we are wired to move bilaterally.”
Focus on the Present
Mindfulness meditation is another technique that may help you develop a compassionate heart. By shifting your focus to the present moment, past mistakes and fears of the future fade into the background. You detach from your negative thought patterns, thereby increasing your capacity for compassion.
“It’s like drowning in something full of emotion: You can’t see your way out. But if you can find yourself in a very relaxed, unemotional place, you can see what’s happening within yourself, or within other people, and you know where to go,” Russo said.
Return of the True Self
Traditional Asian philosophies like Buddhism offer guidance on how to cultivate compassion. Russo borrows elements from Falun Dafa—a mind-body practice from the Buddhist tradition—to put people in touch with these timeless ideas.
Compassion is a core principle of Falun Dafa, along with truthfulness and forbearance. According to Russo, only by embodying these principles can we reveal our true selves.
“If we stray from these [principles], we’re not our true selves,” she said. “We’re not these bad behaviors. We’re not these bad thoughts. These arise from experiences of being hurt.”
A Guided Meditation to Build Compassion
Looking for another method to build compassion? Try Russo’s guided meditation:
Start with a few slow, deep breaths. Then close your eyes and relax. Picture yourself in a calm, safe place.
“As you breathe, the air that surrounds you is not only full of very healthy oxygen that helps to nourish your cells, but it’s also full of compassion,” Russo said. “So every time you breathe in, you breathe compassion in.”
When you feel that every part of your body is saturated with compassion, you begin to feel so light that you float up to the sky. Find a comfortable place to sit on a soft cloud, and look down at the Earth to see a painful moment of yourself in the past. As you witness your suffering from afar, reach down to yourself with a very light, compassionate touch.
“Notice how this [version of] you suddenly seems to stand up a little bit straighter,” Russo said. “She can’t see you, but she has some sense that there’s something there that’s helping her, giving her strength, giving her a little bit of distance. It’s someone who sees her without judgment, who gets it. She breathes into that, and she feels a little bit better. She feels incredible strength and incredible hope.”
Perhaps you decide to visit another scene in your life where you felt lost and alone, or trapped and triggered. Recall the pain, remember the despair, and grant yourself another compassionate touch.
This article was originally published in American Essence magazine.
