Ruth Gotian built her career on success. Her research focuses on highly successful individuals. She makes their methods and mindsets available to her coaching clients.
Her most recent book, “The Financial Times Guide to Mentoring,” shares Gotian’s insights on creating meaningful mentoring relationships that unlock potential and lead to higher achievement.
“Belief from a mentor,” Gotian said, “serves as both a beacon and a safety net.”
American Essence: Could you share memorable words that a mentor has said to you?
Ruth Gotian: Dr. Bert Shapiro once told me, “Do something important, not just interesting.” This guidance has been a cornerstone of my work, particularly in my research on high achievers and my efforts to help others achieve their full potential. It continually reminds me to aim higher and to ensure that my contributions are meaningful and impactful. With these six words in mind, I can help thousands of people I will never have the opportunity to meet.
AE: Could you highlight an anecdote that illustrates the power of the right words?
Dr. Gotian: One story I share in my book involves Odi Ehie, a young college student I mentored through a summer program. One day during medical school, she sent me an email questioning whether her lifelong ambition of becoming a physician was truly the right choice.
Responding to her email was just one of my daily tasks. However, that response led to a phone conversation, an introduction to someone in my network, and ultimately a research position that reignited her passion for medicine. Odi went on to complete her residency and fellowship, and today, she is a pediatric anesthesiologist and the vice-chair of her department.
As mentors, we may not always realize the significance of our responses, but they can have a lasting and profound impact on the lives of those we mentor.
AE: What are some strategies a mentor can use to build others up?
Dr. Gotian: Ask open-ended questions that encourage self-reflection and growth. For example, asking, “What do you think was your biggest win this week, and what made it possible?” prompts the mentee to focus on their successes and the strategies that led to them, reinforcing positive behaviors.
A strategy I often recommend is to frame challenges as opportunities for growth. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, a mentor could say, “This didn’t go as planned, but what can we learn from this? How can we use this experience to improve moving forward?” This approach shifts the conversation from a potential negative to a constructive learning moment, empowering the mentee to view setbacks as stepping stones to success.
AE: What are some destructive words to avoid?
Dr. Gotian: Phrases like “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” or “Maybe you should aim lower, just to be safe” can seem like cautious advice but they actually plant seeds of doubt instead of seeds of ambition. These words can make a mentee question their abilities and settle for less than they’re capable of.
Saying something like “This isn’t good enough” without providing specific guidance on how to improve leaves the mentee feeling defeated and unsure how to move forward. It’s essential to pair any critique with actionable advice and encouragement, so the mentee knows how to grow from the experience.
Telling a mentee “In my experience, this doesn’t work out” can discourage them from pursuing innovative ideas or taking risks. Every mentee’s journey is unique, and it’s important to encourage them to explore their own path rather than imposing limitations based on past experiences.
Avoiding these pitfalls is crucial for mentors who truly want to uplift and empower their mentees.
This article was originally published in American Essence magazine.
