Mother’s Day is threaded through with all sorts of emotions: joy and sorrow, laughter and tears, gratitude, rue, and regrets. Traditional gifts bestowed on the materfamilias on her special day are sentimental cards, boxes of chocolates, flowers—the carnation, which symbolizes love and gratitude, is the holiday’s official corsage—breakfast in bed, a meal in a restaurant, a phone call, and prayers and sweet thoughts for mothers and grandmothers no longer with us. Other gifts can range from body butter to blenders.
Here at The Epoch Times, we try to bring word bouquets to moms every year. I myself have written columns on the history of Mother’s Day, on famous mothers, and on themes such as “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” This year, I thought that some laughter might be of use. So here’s my annual floral arrangement to all you moms, made not of carnations, tulips, lilies, and baby’s breath, but of one-liners, jests, and anecdotes, all in hopes of bringing a smile.
The majority of these humorous bits and pieces are commonly found in online articles, social media, and in print. Others I’ve heard over the years and wanted to include here. Enjoy!
Mombies and Wonder Women
Let’s kick off the comedy with some definitions, superpowers, and myths of moms and motherhood.
Motherhood: a fairy tale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone else’s messes, doing the dishes, and flopping exhausted every night into bed with your to-do list only half done.
Motherhood: If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.
Mombie: That special state of motherhood, particularly when tending to newborns, when you join the ranks of the walking dead.
Mom’s Superpowers: Eyes in the back of the head. A memory that makes an elephant appear senile. An uncanny ability to wake from a deep sleep on hearing a cough from a bedroom upstairs and down the hallway. Spit that can clean peanut butter from a toddler’s lip or put a cowlick in place on an adolescent. Magical kisses that make knee boo-boos stop hurting.
Super Strength: The police academy instructor asked a recruit, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” The recruit replied, “Call for backup.”
The Power of Three: When Mom starts the count to three, raising a finger along with the dreaded “One … two … two and a half,” the wise child heads for a toothbrush, pajamas, and bed.
Legend: If you take a shower and scream “Mom” at the top of your lungs, a kind lady appears with the towel you forgot.
Legend: Your mother was never a teenager. To dispel this myth, talk to a grandparent or one of Mom’s siblings.
Funny Mom Stories
A grandmother is visiting her 20-something granddaughter Samantha when Sam asks Alexa for a weather report. Clearly amazed, the grandmother asks about this electronic voice, and Sam tells her that Alexa can answer any question and encourages Grandma to give it a shot. Grandma sits silently for a minute, then says, “Alexa, how’s my cousin Robert doing these days?”
A boot camp sergeant was having trouble with one of the recruits. He slouched in formation, dragged behind on marches, grumbled constantly to his fellow recruits, and halfheartedly ran the obstacle course.
One day the company captain noted a huge change in the young man’s attitude. He looked sharp, stood straight, and ran the obstacle course in near record time. He asked the sergeant what accounted for the change.
“Punishments and threats didn’t work,” the sergeant said. “So I took it up a notch and called his mother.”
Here’s one from Reader’s Digest that might hit home with some moms and daughters:
“On our way to my parents’ house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. ‘Isn’t that skirt a bit short?’ I asked. She rolled her eyes and gave me one of those ‘Oh, Mom’ looks. When we arrived at my folks’ place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and said, ‘Elizabeth! Don’t you think that blouse is awfully low-cut?’”
And here’s another: “Even though the toddler was having a furious tantrum, his mom was unfazed. ‘You may as well give up on the crying,’ I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. ‘You’re stuck with me for 18 years.’”
Mama Zen
Zen masters often use koans, riddles to provide enlightenment, with their students. Moms do the same with their children. Here are some classic examples:
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.” A variation: “Eat with your mouth closed.”
“If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don’t come running to me.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?” (Under no circumstances should a child answer this question in the affirmative.)
“Close the door. Were you born in a barn?” (A favorite of my mother.)
“Wait till your father gets home.” (This can be a harmless reply to some request, but is most often Mom’s Darth Vader death threat.)
“Be sure to wear clean underwear; you can never tell if you’ll be in an accident.” (Again, one of my mom’s maxims.)
“If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?”
“Don’t make me stop this car.”
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
Amusing Mom
Somewhere I read this anecdote: “I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids got older and she laughed so hard she cried a little.”
This one brought to mind a conversation with my own mother. When my wife and I were expecting our first child, we proudly announced that fact one evening to Mom. She was delighted. After a bit of talk, she casually said, “Well, your lives are going to change.”
“I don’t think our lives will change much at all,” I said.
I had never heard my mother laugh so long and so hard in my life.
Celebrities on Motherhood
Public figures have chimed in on mothers and their children. Here are just a few of their comments:
Mark Twain, author: “My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.”
Milton Berle, comedian: “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
Unknown: “Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious.”
Buddy Hackett, comedian: “My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Dorothy Parker, writer: “The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of their tires.”
Unknown: “If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your mother told you to do it from the start.”
Peter De Vries, writer: “A suburban mom’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.”
Erma Bombeck, columnist: “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if your answer is yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Lisa Alther, author: “Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease.”
Enough.
It’s Mother’s Day. To all our moms, living or dead, thank you for giving us life. And to all good moms, thank you for giving us a part of your life, and for your wisdom and strength and love.
Have a blessed and beautiful day.
