Little Jimmy’s been wetting the bed. Dr. Pediatrician tells you one thing. GreatestMomEver on Instagram tells you something else. And your sister-in-law doesn’t say anything, but she smirks a little and describes the perfect behavior and perennially dry sheets of Angelico Jr.
Is it any wonder you feel overwhelmed and inadequate?
Parents have always faced unsolicited advice and the pressures of judgmental family members or prying pediatricians. But today—with social media influencers, TV gurus, and simply more access to the way other parents are parenting—the problem has worsened. Parents encounter more information and parenting advice than ever before.
“The content of the advice may have changed over the decades, but the notion that a parent doesn’t know what to do while the expert does is still alive and well,” Macall Gordon, expert on children’s sleep and temperament, told The Epoch Times.
Gordon has spent the last 20 years researching the impact of parenting advice on parents’ self-esteem and confidence. One worrying trend she’s observed is fear-based messaging. “Current expert advice has a vested interest in keeping parents worried and off-balance,” she said. “Worried, doubtful parents will buy things to ensure that they are doing everything they can for their child.”
“Advice frightens parents about every possible risk, then calls them ‘helicopter parents’ when they respond too fast. Parents can’t win.”
Dr. Ray Guarendi, a clinical psychologist specializing in parenting and family issues, has also noticed the fear-laden “advice” assaulting parents from all sides. Speaking to The Epoch Times, he noted the “onslaught of all the experts and their theories, warning parents that if they do it wrong, their children will have all manner of psychological disorders and will be featured on afternoon reality TV.”
Add the fact that most parents feel perpetually “watched,” and you have a recipe for serious parental stress. As Katie Rose, a New York-based psychotherapist, observed, “We’re never far from a recording device, and that fact alone puts people on edge … parents can feel like they are constantly performing and being evaluated.”
Modern Problem, Old-School Solution
What, then, are parents to do? The first thing to notice is that much of the barrage of advice on parenting is contradictory. This should clue us in to the fact that not all the advice needs to be—or even could be—heeded all the time. It also suggests there isn’t just one right way to parent.
“Parents are the experts with their child,” Dr. Guarendi told The Epoch Times. “They know their child better than any expert. They can choose who to listen to according to how the advice fits with their family, their morals and their goals.”
Gordon agrees, advocating that parents select just one or two experts or sources of advice to follow, rather than trying to take it all in. It’s impossible to digest all the information out there—and it isn’t suitable, either, because the applicability of advice will depend on your family culture, your particular children, and your circumstances. Parents need to identify and hold firm to their own family identity.
“I feel very strongly about developing a family ethos and sticking to it,” Rose said. “Allow that philosophy to guide your decision-making and help you hold the line when the pressures start to build.” Intentionally articulating your family’s priorities, values, and approach can provide parents with the necessary confidence when other parents or experts begin to challenge your approach. “The important thing is to understand what choice you’re making, why you’re making it, and then stand by it,” she added.
Next, resist the temptation to satiate parental anxiety by simply buying more stuff for your children. According to Rose, “We’ve created a culture in which doing more can look like loving more, when often what children actually need is very simple: time, attention, connection, and parents who are not completely depleted.” Rose actually advises her clients to buy less and do less—fewer activities, clubs, and so on—and to fill that more open schedule with family time.
Often, this consumerist approach to parenting results from feeling a need to compete with what others are seen doing on their (highly curated) social media feeds. The solution? Avoid comparison. “Research has shown that comparison on social media actually contributes to higher levels of anxiety and depression,” Gordon noted. “Instagram is not real-life. Step away.”
Similarly, Rose observed, “If you are constantly looking sideways to see what everyone else is doing, you will eventually lose track of what you actually believe.” That’s why constructing a firm family ethos is so important. Your lodestar isn’t other parents, it’s your own values and parenting philosophy.
None of this is to say that parents should never take advice, of course. But there are limits. Generally, experts themselves—at least the honest ones—agree that parents should seek out advice only when they’re genuinely stuck, confused, or unable to find peace. Rose provides this helpful metric:
“If you can’t honestly say, ‘Yes, most of the time we’re all happy and comfortable at home,’ then I’d say it’s time to pay attention. That doesn’t mean something is terribly wrong; but it’s a good indicator it’s time to check in on what support is available. Otherwise, you’re probably doing a fantastic job.”
Self-Trust Is Crucial
Outside of situations where parents feel truly at a loss, they ought to trust themselves and their parenting abilities. “I want parents to trust themselves,” Rose said. “You know your child better than an Instagram algorithm. You are allowed to make a reasonable decision, see how it goes, and adjust as you learn more.”
A perfectionist attitude can paralyze parents. It’s alright to try things without having absolute certainty they’ll work, or knowing for sure they’re the “right” things. It’s an art, not a science. And it’s a learning experience.
Parents can trust that, in Dr. Guarendi’s words, “the majority of good parenting is common sense and instincts.” When things go badly awry, despite parents’ best efforts, experts can step in to help, but they aren’t needed to validate every decision a parent makes. Similarly, other parents’ well-intentioned advice might be suitable for you and your family—but it might not. What works for one family won’t work for another. No two children are alike, just as no two parents are alike. Certain core principles can be universal, of course, but there’s a lot of latitude in how best to apply those principles.
This should provide parents with a sense of freedom and the ability to take ownership of their parenting style. Yes, it’s important to learn, to listen to and evaluate advice, and to seek help when it’s needed—but in the end, only you can raise your children. And you are the best qualified person for the job.
