People form opinions of one another in as little as one-tenth of a second. Of course, initial impressions can change with time, but they do set the relationship on a certain course. That’s why, in both personal and professional life, first impressions matter.
I spoke with Alison Cheperdak, a bestselling author and founder of Elevate Etiquette, to learn how to present your best self when meeting someone for the first time.
She explained that good manners aren’t just about making a favorable impression. It’s not about personal optics. Good manners reflect a deeper belief in respect for others. This in turn lays the groundwork for mutual respect.
“It’s the foundation for a positive relationship going forward,” Cheperdak said.
Be Intentional About How You Come Across
When you first meet someone, he will first notice what you look like, then what you sound like, and finally what you say, according to Cheperdak. Making a good first impression requires awareness of all three dimensions.
To think more concretely about these related categories, Cheperdak recommends starting with some imagination—even a bit of “show business.”
“If you were a creative director for a movie starring you, what would the direction be like? How would this person dress? How would they move? What would their posture be like? What mannerisms would they have? And what words would you use to describe someone like you if someone was playing you in a movie?” she asked.
This “movie mindset” helps you make intentional decisions about appearance and behavior that can lead to a thoughtful, curated version of yourself. It’s not about inauthenticity—it’s about best representing who you really are, in a truthful yet polished form.
Your appearance involves more than just what you look like.
“It’s your background in your Zoom call or your workspace, your desk, your office that people can see,” Cheperdak said. “It’s the books that are behind you, those kinds of things, and it’s also the lock screen on your phone or your pictures in your background.” These visual cues contribute to the overall sense of who you are and your impression on others.
Slow Down and Speak Calmly
After your new acquaintance takes in your overall look, he notices how you sound and what you say. In terms of your vocal presentation, it’s important to slow down. Cheperdak notes that many of us speak too quickly, especially if we’re nervous. Instead, you should speak in a measured way, with a calm tone and controlled pacing.
“Don’t be afraid to calm down or to slow down, and don’t be afraid to pause,” Cheperdak said. “Don’t be afraid to breathe.” Brief pauses don’t have to be awkward—they’re natural moments for taking a breath and gathering your thoughts. Most people understand that and don’t expect a constant stream of words.
Slowing down also helps eliminate filler words such as “um” or “like.”
“When we’re speaking too quickly, and we’re not breathing properly, it’s like our mouth can’t keep up with our brain, and when we allow ourselves to slow down, it makes it easier to eliminate those filler words,” she said.
In particular, Cheperdak also warns women against “upspeak.” Upspeak refers to a tendency to end each sentence with the inflection of a question. This undermines confidence and credibility.
“You could be sharing brilliant ideas in the world, but you don’t come across as brilliant as your ideas because of the way that you’re conveying the messaging,” Cheperdak said.
In Early Conversations, Keep It Light and Look for Common Ground
On top of how you speak, your new acquaintance is also taking in what you speak about. Cheperdak advises preparing a number of non-controversial, family-friendly subjects in advance that you would feel comfortable discussing with anyone. She steers people away from talking about politics, religion, or health with brand-new acquaintances. Instead, discuss something else that interests you, such as traditions, travel, upcoming holidays, hobbies, sports, family, or work.
Conversation should naturally develop into a series of questions and answers, along with anecdotes and reactions. Here, a balance must be struck between bombarding your acquaintance with questions without offering anything about yourself on the one hand, and talking only about yourself on the other. Both can make the other person uncomfortable. The conversation shouldn’t feel like an interview or a monologue. Truly listening to the other person is key—look for common ground or shared experiences that can lead to sharing or further questions.
“If they volunteer something about [how] they’re planning their wedding, or you know they have a kid in school, or whatever it is, then they’ve opened the door to ask questions about some of those more personal topics,” Cheperdak said.
Everything’s going great until your conversational partner begins pushing too hard on sensitive subjects. Suddenly, the conversation grows awkward.
At that juncture, Cheperdak said, “There’s nothing rude or wrong about setting boundaries or saying, ‘I didn’t think that was funny,’ or, ‘That’s not something that I’m comfortable talking about.’” The key is to pivot immediately to a different subject without emphasizing the awkward moment.
“You can pivot to another topic, and you can move away from an awkward moment without making the other person feel like they’re the awkward one that created that moment, and it’s all about your tone,” she said. Sometimes, keeping it lighthearted while deftly changing the subject is the best approach.
Handle Hard Conversations With Respect
Of course, in some cases, it’s not possible to change the subject. Sometimes, hard conversations need to be had. How do we disagree without damaging relationships?
Reframe the conversation so that it’s more about understanding the other person than about changing his mind. She encourages people to find something they can genuinely agree on “and not try to convert the other person” to whatever views you have.
“Instead, make them feel heard,” she said.
Paradoxically, you grow more persuasive by shifting away from the desire to win the argument at all costs.
Cheperdak clarified, saying: “If your [goal] is to get someone to agree with you, do you want them to associate your views with someone who is argumentative, combative, and doesn’t listen and is difficult to talk to, or do you want them to associate someone with your views who is also really thoughtful and listens to you and is compassionate?”
We have to learn to agree to disagree, which Cheperdak believes is something of a lost art. Today, society pressures people to have opinions on every topic and to make everyone else align with them. Agreement becomes a non-negotiable prerequisite for a relationship.
Not everyone has to have an opinion on every controversial issue, and we don’t have to build relationships on such opinions (or the lack thereof). In Cheperdak’s words, “We can honor people, and we can be in relationship with them, and it’s very healthy to be in relationship with people and also not agree all the time.”
Etiquette—and good first impressions—begin and end with respecting others, even when we disagree. The more attentive, compassionate, composed, curious, and outward-looking we can be, the better all of our impressions will be.
