The Machine That Rewards Boys Before They Become Men

Commentary

For most of human history, a young man who wanted independence, respect, intimacy, or a family had to leave the safety of childhood and make himself useful. He had to work, earn, risk rejection, develop courage, and accept responsibility.

His desires pulled him into adulthood.

I do not believe masculinity is toxic. Masculinity is a necessary balancing force in the world. At its best, it is protective, productive, courageous, adventurous, and willing to carry burdens. Men build, explore, defend, provide, and accept physical risks that keep families and societies functioning.

My concern is not that men possess too much masculine drive. It is that we have created technologies capable of capturing that drive, redirecting it into simulations and rewarding boys before they have become men.

The men I have loved and admired were not born fully formed. Something pulled each of them out of comfort and into the unknown.

My husband, Elias, left Mexico at 16 and traveled to the United States on foot. The journey was frightening and dangerous, but the discomfort of staying—the poverty, insecurity, and desire to provide for his mother, father, and siblings—outweighed his fear of leaving.

By 23, he took another risk and married me. We came from different countries, cultures, and socioeconomic worlds. I was older and had once been his boss. There were plenty of reasons for both of us to be afraid, but he stepped into that unknown, too. He became a husband, father, provider, and my partner in building a life neither of us could have built alone.

As a teenager, my brother Ryland was pulled toward the mountains by his love of snowboarding. He left home for Lake Tahoe and performed the grinding labor of ski-resort kitchens because waiting on the other side was the exhilaration of riding a snowboard down a mountain.

My father and his brother left New York and went West. They picked apples and worked in the oil fields. Eventually, they married my mother and her twin sister. The two couples bought a house, and all lived together, building a family under one roof.

One of my best friends, Mike, had a band and moved to Los Angeles hoping to build a successful career in music. He did exactly that, although his career developed behind the scenes rather than onstage. He still works in the industry today, creating opportunities and real-life spaces where people can come together.

The pursuit led him to more than a career. He met the love of his life, married, and had children. The reward was more meaningful than anything he could have imagined when he first left home.

My friend Alec came from a tumultuous home life and moved directly toward the military, an institution that has long pushed boys toward manhood through discipline, brotherhood, service, and responsibility. But it was speaking out during COVID-19 that helped form the man he is today. When remaining silent would have been easier, he discovered his willingness to be brave and stand publicly for what he believed was right.

Elias walked toward America. Ryland went to the mountains. My father went West to the oil fields. Mike went to Los Angeles in pursuit of music. Alec entered the military and later risked his security to speak out.

Each man was pulled beyond what was safe and familiar by a desire strong enough to overcome fear. The reward they found was not always what they had initially imagined. But the pursuit required something from them, and in meeting that requirement, they grew.

Years ago, my friend Liam said something that sounded absurd to me: “I’m not sure I even want to date women anymore. Pornography is so much easier.”

At the time, the internet was somewhere we went. We sat down at a computer, connected to it, and eventually walked away. We did not carry it in our pockets or sleep with it beside our beds.

I pushed back. Pornography seemed like a poor imitation of human intimacy, incapable of replacing a real woman or relationship. But Liam was warning us about something that has become difficult to ignore.

A substitute does not have to equal the real thing. It only has to quiet the hunger enough for a person to stop pursuing the real thing.

Pornography offers sexual gratification without courtship, rejection, commitment, or responsibility. Social media offers attention without requiring a person to become truly known. Video games offer status, measurable progress, competition, and repeated victories without producing anything tangible in the physical world.

The danger is not that these experiences provide no reward. The danger is that they provide enough.

Marriage statistics reveal how profoundly our lives have changed. In 1960, the median American man married for the first time at 22.8. Today, he is nearly 31. In 1980, only 6 percent of Americans reached age 40 without ever having married. By 2021, it was 25 percent—one in four.

Marriage has not merely been postponed. For a growing share of Americans, it is not happening at all. Among men ages 25 to 54, the portion living without a wife or live-in partner rose from 29 percent in 1990 to 39 percent in 2019.

Delayed marriage has many causes, including housing costs, wages, education, family breakdown, and changing expectations. But another number is difficult to ignore: In 2022, only half of single men said they were looking for either a relationship or casual dates. Half were not looking.

At the same time, nearly half of American men in one nationally representative survey reported intentionally viewing pornography during the previous week. This does not prove pornography caused the retreat from marriage. It does force us to consider Liam’s warning: What happens when the appetite that once pushed men toward women can be satisfied, or at least quieted, without a man leaving his room?

Gaming deserves similar care. Playing a game does not make a man dysfunctional. Games can be challenging, social, and fun. But economists studying the decline in young men’s working hours found that improved video-game technology increased the value men placed on leisure and explained a meaningful portion of the reduction in work.

This is not simply about wasted time. It may represent an interruption of a developmental process.

Loneliness, sexual frustration, boredom, and the fear of failure are painful. But they can also create movement. They can push a young man to learn a trade, earn money, develop social courage, approach a woman, survive rejection, and try again. Discomfort was often the engine.

Today, a young man can receive sexual stimulation, companionship-like interaction, recognition, competition, and the sensation of accomplishment without leaving his bedroom. The machine gives him the emotional reward before the world has required him to become capable of earning it.

It is easy to call these young men lazy. I believe that explanation is cruel and inadequate. They are living inside an environment deliberately engineered to relieve the very discomfort that once pushed men to grow.

So this is not a condemnation of men. It is an invitation.

Leave the room. Put down the controller. Turn off the pornography. Step away from the comfort that keeps you hungry enough to feel dissatisfied, yet satisfied enough to remain still.

Go somewhere your courage is required. Do work that leaves something real behind. Risk rejection. Learn a skill that cannot be acquired by clicking a button. Find people who will notice if you fail to show up. Carry something heavy. Become responsible for someone besides yourself.

The first thing you pursue may not be the thing you ultimately find. You may leave home chasing adventure and find a vocation. You may pursue music and find a family. You may seek freedom and discover responsibility. You may approach a woman hoping for affection and find the person with whom you build an entire life.

The simulated reward is immediate, predictable, and small. The real reward is uncertain, which is why reaching for it requires courage.

But waiting beyond that discomfort may be a life greater than anything you have yet imagined.

Views expressed in this article are the opinions of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Epoch Times.