Youthful confidence leads us to think we know everything there is to know. As we get older, that illusion fades away when we realize that many of the good things in life were unplanned, and the bad things often are a result of what we confidently ignored.
Even as adults, most people remain overconfident. One survey found that 65 percent of people thought they were above average in intelligence. A 2018 study by AAA found that eight out of 10 men thought they were better-than-average drivers.
The hard part is knowing when you’re being overconfident, have a blind spot, or are just being dumb. We’re too close to our own decisions to always see them clearly. If you feel like I do—that’s it’s more important in life to avoid big mistakes than to “get things right”—you’ll see that overconfidence is a big problem.
Thankfully, this particular problem has a solution, and it lies in seeking wisdom and advice outside yourself.
9 Ways to Set Yourself up for Support
Other people, particularly those we trust, can oftentimes view our situation with a clarity that we lack. Instead of trying to have all the answers ourselves, all we need to do to cultivate good judgment is to surround ourselves with wise people who have our best interests in mind.
1. Note Who Has Rightfully Warned You in the Past
Good advice is both hard to give and hard to receive, especially when it goes against your instincts. Sometimes, you don’t heed the wise words you are given, and only see in hindsight that a friend was right. Notice when this happens and learn from that mistake.
2. Ignore Advice From People Who Lack Skin in the Game
The best advice is usually from those who care most deeply about you. People who are directly influenced by the life you lead, for good or for ill, have a strong incentive to give you good counsel. For example, your spouse rightfully sees your life as deeply intertwined with his or her own and wants to see you at your best. It is wise to weigh a spouse’s words seriously.
3. Avoid People Who Always Sound Certain
Things are not always as clear as they seem, and life is full of mystery. Carrying a bit of skepticism about the advice of someone who always speaks in absolutes and refuses to admit uncertainty is useful. Such people are likely overconfident and may lead you astray. Do not be overly influenced by the seeming clarity of their strong conviction.
4. Listen to Friends Willing to Disappoint You in the Short Term
Good friends are willing to put themselves out there by saying hard things you may not like. They do this because they view friendship as a long-term endeavor, and they care more about the “future you” than about the discomfort of a hard conversation. Especially value advice from a friend who rarely speaks up, but chooses a particular moment to deliver a hard truth.
5. If Advice Flatters Your Ego, Discount It
Even the best among us love to please others. We give advice, not because it’s right, but because it’s what the other person wants to hear. On matters of small importance, agreeableness is good for a friendship, but when it counts and when the stakes are high, you need people who tell you what they really think. One way to get this from people is to give it yourself, and another is to ask for it directly.
6. Treat Unsolicited Advice From People You Love as a Sign
Because of our natural tendency to keep opinions to ourselves and avoid delivering hard news, you should treat it as a strong signal when someone with whom you enjoy mutual respect passes on a piece of advice. The price that person was willing to pay in discomfort and the risk that you would receive it poorly shows how important he or she must think the matter is.
7. Read Books That Have Stood the Test of Time
Another source of wisdom, besides the good friends you have hopefully surrounded yourself with, is the wisdom of old books. If an old book, like a great novel, biography, or holy scripture, ends up in your hands, it means it has stood the test of time. It didn’t just tickle the fancy of a particular era, but resonated across generations and likely holds truths worth considering.
8. Seek Out People Who Have Lived the Outcome of Your Pursuit
No matter what problem you’re facing or what you hope to achieve in life, there are likely people you know with experience that they are happy to share, such as someone who raised a great family, particularly after periods of struggle. It’s worth asking them what they learned from mistakes they feel they made.
9. Cultivate Independence of Thought
While each of us should learn to think for ourselves, that thinking should be challenged against other sources of wisdom. If you trust only what you discover for yourself, you may get far, but you will be vulnerable to the dangers of overconfidence that may lead to your ruin.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” —Proverbs 3:5–6