The desire to grow means being open to stepping into a new, expanded version of ourselves.
For example, wanting to be more mindful, live more simply, be more compassionate with yourself or others, or be more disciplined about your work are all new potential versions of you. They expand beyond your old way of seeing yourself.
When we try something new, want to grow in our relationships, or quit a bad habit, we’re trying to shed the current way we see ourselves.
However, our current self-view is like gravity, keeping us rooted in how we are now.
Challenges might present themselves when you try to:
- Be more mindful. Your current way of mindlessly moving through life holds you back with habitual patterns and distractions.
- Live more simply. Decluttering your current life brings up fears of letting things go, affecting such behaviors as impulse shopping.
- Be more disciplined. Your procrastinator self will resist being disciplined and thwart your efforts.
- Try something new. Your now comfortable self will throw up resistance to change and your desire to try new things.
- Quit a bad habit. The current voice in your head will say, “Just one more time won’t hurt,” “Why are you making yourself suffer?” or “You deserve this reward,” to keep you harnessed to old habits.
Our current identities want to keep their comfort zones, so how is growth possible?
Here’s what I’ve found works for me:
1. Set an Intention for an Expanded Self
Imagine that your old identity didn’t limit you. What type of person would you want to be? What would you like to do that feels a bit impossible? It could be something small such as, “I want to wake up a little earlier,” or a massive shift like “I want to put my creative work out into the world in a bold way.”
Set the intention. Get clear on why this matters to you. Then, commit yourself to the actions that growing into this expanded self would involve.
2. Practice the Actions You’ve Set
The shift in your self-view will come as you act outside your limited self-view. If your current identity is as an introvert, but you start talking to strangers every day, the old identity can’t survive.
Commit to practicing the new actions every day, or at least, most days—giving yourself brief breaks can be part of the process, so it doesn’t feel overwhelming.
As you practice the actions, see your expanded way of being as a new inner state. For example, if you’re trying to be more joyful as you work, embrace it as being the new you.
3. Notice When and How You’re Being Pulled Back
Your current identity will try to pull you back whenever you step outside of how you’ve always known yourself. If you want to speak in public, each time you sign up to do a talk, your mind will provide a ready list of reasons why you should cancel.
This is fear in action, a bodily sensation of fear, resistance, dread, or sense of being overwhelmed. It can be a series of thoughts and rationalizations such as, “It’s OK to skip it,” or “Life is too short to put yourself through this.”
Just notice all of this. Take notes! Get curious.
4. Practice Compassionate Persistence
When you notice the challenges listed above, recognize them as fear in action and be understanding and loving with yourself.
Take small, progressive actions—start with baby steps. It’s all new, so go easy—but keep at it. Soon, you will find a new way of seeing yourself.