Where do your thoughts go when they wander? If they drift toward your deepest desires and goals or insecurities and regrets, you’re not alone.
Most of the time, we think about ourselves, not others. This isn’t a moral flaw—we are naturally self-interested—and that rarely comes in direct conflict with those around us getting what they want out of life.
But if you’ve ever known someone genuinely interested in other people, you realize how magnetic their personalities can be. They seem to anticipate how others feel and know exactly what to do or say to make them feel special.
You might think this is a trait people are born with and that you’re too shy or awkward to be an uplifting, inspiring presence. My story, while still a work in progress, provides evidence that we can grow in this area.
My Story
As a shy young boy, I looked up to my gregarious father, who was always striking up conversations with strangers. Once, he brought me into a Walmart and showed me how easy it was to talk to anyone. He then challenged me to practice the skill by saying hi to people or making small talk. It was scary but more fun than I anticipated.
I don’t remember this experience transforming my personality overnight. Still, it became an important memory of my childhood and a vivid example of how I could do things that felt hard or unnatural.
Later, in high school, I noticed that outgoing people seemed to have more fun and more friends, and I pushed myself to say more and do more. I tried to insert humor into my conversations and ask people thoughtful questions about their lives. To the surprise of my teenage self, this worked. People crave attention and love being made to feel special or important.
The moral of my story is that it’s within anyone’s power to learn these skills and become a relational giver. You may not be the life of every party, but you’ll be someone others like to be around because you make them feel good. Few people do this with any intentionality, but it is easier than you think to stand out from the crowd.
7 Ways to Make People Feel Special
Here are some of my go-to techniques for making others feel special—a few I’ve learned from my wife.
1. Give Your Full, Undivided Attention
The constant presence of screens in our lives has made giving attention to others a rare gift. I make it a practice to leave behind my cellphone at meals and when hanging out with people, that way I can be fully present with those around me.
2. Remember Details and Follow Up
Have you ever had a friend ask you about something you casually mentioned the prior week? It’s a good feeling to know that what you said stuck with them, and they were kind enough to bring it up, knowing it would be important to you.
3. Ask Thoughtful Questions
One of my favorite ways to love people is to ask good questions. The best part of this tip is that it works even if you are feeling shy or don’t know what to talk about—you just get the other person talking about something they care about.
4. Offer to Help
A good friend is someone you can call when you need help— maybe moving furniture, planning an event, or finishing a big project around their house. But a great friend keeps tabs on your life and invites themselves to help when they see you’re overwhelmed or need an extra hand.
5. Give Small, Meaningful Gifts
We all enjoy getting gifts on the expected holidays, but the most meaningful gifts to me have been the ones that a friend gave me on a random day, just because they saw something that made them think of me. Giving gifts to friends shows them that you’re thinking about them even when they’re not around, which is a sure way to make them feel loved.
6. Ask for Advice
Asking a friend for help or advice is a nonintuitive way to make others feel special. Asking acknowledges their competence, experience, or wisdom and raises their status within the friendship.
7. Celebrate Their Successes
When something good happens in our lives, such as a promotion or the birth of a child or grandchild, it feels like the most important thing in the world at that moment, while others, often caught up in their own lives, may hardly notice. Become a friend who notices and celebrates the wins of others—they will feel seen and valued in a truly special way.